I hope you are enjoying this series on boundaries so far and if you are just tuning in, check back at the posts to see what you have missed. 

Have you been able to identify where you land most of the time on the drama triangle? If you have then hurray! And if not, you can go back and see because we are now looking at what happens next. 

Today I am looking at the female nervous system because that is what I know best, and who I have mainly worked with in my private practice, not the pain clinic. But it’s interesting (I think) for everyone. 

So you’re in a conflict with someone, or internally within yourself. You might take your corner as victim-rescuer-persecutor, or you just notice a rising anxiety in your body. Something doesn’t feel right.

These are all stances that keep you connected albeit in an unhealthy way, to the drama dynamic.

What do you do? 

Here is where I want to introduce you to the newest evolved part of our nervous system that is intricately involved here: our social nervous system. 

This is how we relate, or not, to others. How we make connections, how we bond and create our relationships from a young age. How mothers bond and breastfeed babies. It is largely how we learned to survive.

In the wild, it is not always safe to be seen and visible. This is why animals have camoflage. 

Our ancestors moved in groups and to be shunned or exiled from the tribe meant certain death. 

We need connection and bonding with our mother to thrive. 

When we feel safe in the social nervous system we can be ourselves. We know we belong. We can be ourselves. We can have different opinions, wear unique clothes, make more or less money, and we know we will not be ostracized or kicked out of the group. 

Do you see the importance of being connected and how it would show up in extreme fear?

So how does that relate to boundaries? 

We fear the disconnection.

This system is largely estrogen-based. Female nervous systems have 80% more estrogen than males so that we can reproduce, bond and survive. 

That is how important this is. 

So when it comes to disconnection, we can feel it viscerally in our body as wrong or so excruciatingly painful that we will do anything to maintain the connection.  This sends us into a tailspin of comparison which leads to basically a few choices: 

Fitting in (camouflage) or Fawning. This looks like:

• Being nice. (fawn)
• Explaining once again. (fawn)
• Defending our right to have a boundary. (flight)
• Feeling devastated or despair when the other doesn’t “get it” (freeze)
• Crippling self-doubt/worry/confusion (freeze)
• Shutdown and capitulation (freeze/fawn/fit in)
• “It is me. There is something wrong with me.” (freeze)

This is why women end up in the freeze state so much more often than men, although both can. 

This is why teenage girls have much higher rates of anxiety than boys due to social media. 

This is why you question yourself and then beat yourself up for the way you said it, you didn’t stand firm, you people-pleased again, you weren’t respected, you lost a friendship and worry about being alone. 

Your social nervous system is on alert. Freeze-fawn-fit in is much harder to detect than fight.

You might look ok but you’re not. You might be smiling but you are so stressed inside. You are totally focussed on the other person and disconnected from yourself. 

It’s not your fault. AND you can start to move out of it. 

Take this scenario. Mary doesn’t want to drive at night this Christmas as she doesn’t feel safe and prefers to drive in daylight. 

She explains this to a friend who planned a Christmas dinner and her friend responds “We do this every year like this. I can’t change it just for you. This is important to me. That’s selfish.”

Mary is stuck. She doesn’t want to lose the friendship and at the same time, she doesn’t want to drive at night. 

This requires an individuation.

Mary can respond “I understand this might be hard for you but this is what I need right now.

End of story. This is not negotiable. 

If Mary is stuck or blurry, she might start to believe that she is in fact selfish, that she is wrong, and she might worry that she will lose her friend. 

She might use an excess amount of emojis on her texts including lots of smiley faces and hearts.

This is where the rubber hits the road. Boundaries DO change things. Life does not stay the same. And you will find out who can respect you as you stand strong, who can shift, and who cannot. Sometimes it takes them a while and they come back, but stand your ground strongly and do not move. 

Stand with love.

Get support if you need it. 

Practice radical self-care immediately to break the flight-freeze-fawn response that you naturally have, and has also been your conditioning.

The truth is, when you begin to take care of yourself you show others where they are not taking care of themselves.  You have to let go and move through the guilt that keeps you stuck. 

You are already a good person. Don’t doubt yourself.

Life can become clean, clear and you can regain your energy. 

I believe this is one of the greatest contributors to chronic illness and disease in women and this is being borne out in the research. 

But above all, over time you will shift into more of your own knowing. This is your intuition, your gut, your deep belly knowing. 

And that is a far better place to live than a fearful mind. 

I hope this shines a brighter light on why boundaries are such a hot topic and why we have so many books telling us how to set and keep them. 

You are not alone. There’s nothing wrong with who you are. You are living in a system and a culture that rewards you for fitting in. But there is a high cost to pay.

Next time I am going to go deeper into why feeling ALL your emotions is not the same as being dysregulated. 

To your courage and knowing, 

Madeleine

ps. If you loved this blog as much as I do, send me a reply or leave a comment below.