We can’t discuss boundaries without talking about conflict at some point.
Conflict! Such a loaded word for so many people, and we all have so many different reactions to it.
Hiding, fighting, peace-keeping, freezing. A lot of how we respond to conflict is what we learned growing up.
We all take on roles, whether we realize it or not.
Take moment and reflect on how you react when conflict arises:
In your relationships.
In your families.
In your workplaces.
There’s nothing wrong with the roles you have learned, if they are working out for you. But if you find yourself in the same dramas, same stuck places going over the same old thought patterns, then it might be time to get unstuck.
Conflict is a part of life. Like suffering, it is inevitable. If we continually try to avoid by isolating or gossiping, OR you find yourself in a lot of conflict with little resolution, it’s time to escape the drama triangle.
This was developed in the 60’s by psychiatrist Stephen Karpman to describe a model of dysfunctional social interactions that describes roles that we get stuck in: victim, rescuer and persecutor.
Often we play them all, bouncing around between 2 or all 3. Or we are stuck in a dynamic with one or more people in the same role.
If this resonates with you, when you bring awareness to it there is a way to shift it and change the whole dynamic.
The Victim: Victims see themselves as trapped and perceive their circumstances or others as the cause of their helplessness. They feel powerless to change their circumstances. They complain and blame without directly dealing with the problem.
The Persecutor
Individuals in this role tend to be highly critical, constantly finding fault in others, and placing blame on them for the issue at hand. While they may be perceived as controlling, they can sometimes shift into the next category if confronted about their behavior.
The Rescuer
Rescuers have an inherent inclination to help others. They readily step in to save victims, often doing so in a manner that perpetuates their victimhood and fails to address the underlying problem effectively.
The rescuer usually helps without anyone asking. They tend to go the extra mile just to solve the problem. But they may do so in ways that result in the victim having less power.
These patterns can be largely unconscious and when I learned about them I could see I have been all 3 at different times, with different people!
The way out is to start to become aware of the patterns, when and where you are in them, and start to shift out.
There is a different shift for each role, which I will go into in the next blog as it requires a closer look at the dynamics.
Here’s the thing: it’s not as difficult as it may seem. It IS entirely possible to give up trying to change anyone else and change yourself which changes everything.
When you step out of the triangle, you free up SO much energy and time, you set yourself and everyone else free and life becomes a journey of joy.
You can speak your truth without rescuing, persecuting or being a victim.
You know others are responsible for themselves. You get to choose who and when and how you are with people. Your health improves, your relationships become real, and you finally get to relax and be yourself.
Doesn’t that sound good for your health?
Stay tuned and I’ll tell you how to shift your roles. Until then, notice when and where you are in them. Get really familiar with yourself and you will already sense a shift.
Enjoy your discoveries and let me know where you see yourself in it,
Madeleine
