I’m not a victim, I’m a survivor!

Indeed you are. But either of these labels can also get you stuck there in the same agitated nervous system state.

The victim will recoil, have stories of resentment, worry and shame. They won’t be direct with their feelings and sometimes expect people to “just get it” when they don’t. The victim is also hooked in to drama even when it feels like they are avoiding it. They rehash it with others. They might come out and try to be nice to get an outcome, and then be horribly disappointed when it doesn’t go as planned. They haven’t built the resilience to withstand disappointment and rejection and retreat. It’s ok, we’ve all been there and it helps to point it out so you can see when you go there. 

We often then catapult into survivor. Nothing wrong with that. Sometimes you need to go there to find safety, power and containment. You block, control and say “not that, not them”. Of course this is a healthy response to abuse or danger. But you want to look at if that starts to feel too rigid or too small for you and still occupies a large piece of real estate in your mind and body. 

These stories are all reflections of nervous system states. Your state drives your story. Let that sink in.

The healing then comes when you can process what has happened, where it came from and move to the middle where you have a clearer view. 

Nervous system regulation is the key. Feeling and expressing old emotions, and building a healthy capacity for a more robust system that has learned and grown and sees the grey area in other humans as well. 

Sometimes forgiveness of self and others is part of the journey as we see that everyone in their own way to trying to survive and find love. Doesn’t mean you go for dinner with them, but they no longer bring up a charge in your body.

You can stop the game of ping pong when you become aware of it, refuse to be either inferior or superior and the drama stops.

You can stop acting as the Victim — ‘poor me’, ignoring your own needs, giving in to people even when it’s not a good idea, or always taking the blame.

You can stop feeling superior to others and accept them as they are and then make a choice that feels right.

Boundaries are the key. Good, healthy boundaries. 

The middle range is emotional resilience. Feeling all that you feel long enough to process it without blame or shame. Then act if necessary. 

Let me know where you find yourself and if you have found a way to move into the calm, grounded middle like an old oak tree who sinks her roots deep into the earth.

Next time we are going to dive into the drama triangle that will illuminate a lot or subconscious patterns we learn from our family dynamics. Stay tuned!