Madeleine Eames

- Psychotherapist
- Mindfulness Teacher

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Why it’s Not So Easy to “Just Let it Go”

Have you ever been told to “just let it go”?

Or that you are “making a mountain out of a molehill” or “over-reacting… again!”

Or perhaps you find yourself ruminating over the past and tell yourself (or shout) “Let that go!!!!”, 

or stuck in the same habits you’ve tried to change (ahem… how ARE those resolutions coming along?), 

or repeat the same patterns in relationships whether it’s getting into toxic relationships 

or getting stuck in that same old negative groove with your partner.

You’ve tried. You’ve breathed it away, meditated, exercised it away, forgiven, moved on and bucked up, yet it’s still there.

We have a society that constantly reflects back to us that we need to stay positive, be grateful, look on the bright side, meditate, communicate, be kind, help one another…. yet you are STILL feeling resentful, like you are measuring up, failing at change or going over and over what is NOT right. Btw, all those things are good…. if we check on this one virus that may be tripping you up.

You are stuck in a belief created in childhood. A learned pattern that keeps you stuck. A belief that started with a childhood trauma that was learned and got lodged in your nervous system.

Stop! If you already want to close this page and stop reading, you might be stuck… stay with me.

How do I know? Because I have seen it a zillion times and realized this in myself… until we uncover the unconscious beliefs learned in childhood we will continually return to the default setting.

When we are repeating the same ol’ thing, we are moving into it unconsciously. Our nervous systems are always wired for the safe and comfy… and why would we move into discomfort and fear if our ancestors basically died when they did?

It will all make sense. No more beating yourself up. No more guilt. No more feeling inadequate because you seem to be the only one not making it or having the life of sunsets and smiles you see on Facebook. (Another evolutionary wiring here: to fit and be like the crowd, again, that resulted in death for our ancestors. Btw, our ancestors survived, and they want you to as well).

How do we know this for sure? Here are signs that childhood trauma is holding you back:

  • You repeat the same patterns despite wanting something different at work or relationships.

  • You feel anxiety and fear at stepping out and doing what you want or love to do.

  • It’s difficult to set clear boundaries around yourself.

  • It’s hard to make quick decisions based on what feels right for you.

Don’t worry, sometimes it’s just uncovering a belief and ‘poof!’ it’s gone. Sometimes it is more than that. In my experience, if you feel discomfort or anxiety at reading that last sentence…. it’s more than that. But believe me, unless we can restore your nervous system back to balance, you will stay where you are.

Hold on! It’s not all bad. There are strengths you have learned from the exact same experiences. Every rock can be turned over to discover another side. Perhaps you learned tenacity, patience, empathy, giving, protection… there are always strengths as well. But we want to pull the weeds so that these powerhouse strengths can grow and expand.

Mindfulness allows us to become more aware of our automatic patterns, to make the unconscious, conscious.

Check it out for yourself.  Be really honest with yourself about your patterns without any judgement of them. Your life right now will reflect your inner landscape. Notice what you are not happy with and see what might be underneath. 

What fear is there?

What is the belief underneath? (see below for common beliefs)

Breathe and allow your responses to surface.

 

If you discover something and are ready to make the shifts to live a life true to yourself now, hit reply to contact me to see if we are a fit to work together.

Or, message me to get on the waitlist for the April course of “Restore and Reclaim Your True Self”, an 8 week program to survive and thrive from burnout for empathic women.

Or, join in the discussion on Facebook at either: Fear to Freedom or Wise Women Empaths.

I want more for you this year.

Make 2020 the year you shine.

Much love,

Madeleine

PS.  Here is a list of common beliefs of your ‘Small Self’ that hold you back, create fear and keep you stuck:

I need to look after others to be worthy.

I am responsible for how others feel.

My needs/feelings are not important.

I need to be liked in order to be enough.

I cannot show distress or weakness.

It’s my job to keep people happy.

In order to be loved, I have to be what others want me to be.

I have to be a perfect parent, worker, partner.

I should have everything under control.

 

1 thought on “Why it’s Not So Easy to “Just Let it Go””

  1. Dear Faith,

    You are not guilty. You have experienced some trauma that has set you up for this. But there can be another way. I hope you have some support to move through this. No more beating yourself up.

    Warmly,
    Madeleine

    Reply

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