Well, “gave up” is not quite accurate.
More like.. surrendered, sunk into the dep womb belly of my life in this moment, deep into my own body.
I embodied myself.
I wish I could say it was all sunshine and rose, but of course that was not the case.
There is a reason we avoid the deeper and deeper layers of ourself. One, we are talked out of it at a very young age. Two, the world thrives on you not knowing and being who you are.
I left my body at a very young age. Striving, competing, comparing. Literally making myself sick and anxious.
I had been “othering”myself my whole life.
And you will never guess what got me finally back in there… “virtue signalling” was my final straw.
I had been heading in that direction with all the “tools” of mindfulness, yoga and breath. Great, I had a wonderful platform to catch me.
But when I heard the term”virtue signalling” I did a fmailiar thing “Oh yea, I get that.” Like most of us, it was happening “out there”, “those people” are doing it. Uggh.
It wasn’t until many months later in a conversation with a friend, that the penny dropped.
She was telling me about a situation where she became aware of how she had been virtue signalling her son, only because he was upset and called her on it.
Boom. Moments unfolded before me where I had done the same thing without realizing it.
Where I responded to my kids with a ‘teaching’ on how they should be.
Where I missed their feelings (and others) out of fear, because I wanted them to feel a certain way or be a certain way.
Where I had been teaching, writing, preaching from a place of “it should be like this” when I wasn’t living it myself.
I knew how I wanted things to be, but I ignored the truth of how things are.
I felt immediately like a fraud, and ashemed that I had not seen it.
Another part of me knew that this was part of my journey and I almost had to speak it to learn it.
I saw the way I had hurt people, ignored their feelings and bypassed their experience.
I was not proud.
And I knew this was a crucial moment of insight for me.
It changed my life literally overnight.
Instead of trying to fix the world and tell it how it should be…
I sunk into the deep womb belly of my own life.
Intellectually, I had heard about radical acceptance, seeing the abundance all around you, and that all is connected as one.
But I started to experience it. (I’m not virtue signalling here, you do you!).
I slowed right down in my thoughts.
I noticed when I felt I should be somewhere else or like someone else.
I spent one whole Saturday afternoon in bed reading.
Things started to come to me. More ideas, easier ways to live, opportunities.
And the biggest realization I marvelled at was .. what a work in progress I am!
I vow to make my writings as truthful, personal and with as much integrity as I can muster.
Because I have realized that it is only when we embody ourselves that the whole world comes to you.