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Madeleine Eames

- Psychotherapist
- Mindfulness Teacher

When I Gave Up..

Well, “gave up” is not quite accurate. 

More like.. surrendered, sunk into the dep womb belly of my life in this moment, deep into my own body. 

I embodied myself. 

I wish I could say it was all sunshine and rose, but of course that was not the case. 

There is a reason we avoid the deeper and deeper layers of ourself. One, we are talked out of it at a very young age. Two, the world thrives on you not knowing and being who you are. 

I left my body at a very young age. Striving, competing, comparing. Literally making myself sick and anxious. 

I had been “othering”myself my whole life.

And you will never guess what got me finally back in there… “virtue signalling” was my final straw. 

I had been heading in that direction with all the “tools” of mindfulness, yoga and breath. Great, I had a wonderful platform to catch me. 

But when I heard the term”virtue signalling” I did a fmailiar thing “Oh yea, I get that.” Like most of us, it was happening “out there”, “those people” are doing it. Uggh.

It wasn’t until many months later in a conversation with a friend, that the penny dropped. 

She was telling me about a situation where she became aware of how she had been virtue signalling her son, only because he was upset and called her on it. 

Boom. Moments unfolded before me where I had done the same thing without realizing it.

Where I responded to my kids with a ‘teaching’ on how they should be.

Where I missed their feelings (and others) out of fear, because I wanted them to feel a certain way or be a certain way. 

Where I had been teaching, writing, preaching from a place of “it should be like this” when I wasn’t living it myself. 

I knew how I wanted things to be, but I ignored the truth of how things are. 

I felt immediately like a fraud, and ashemed that I had not seen it. 

Another part of me knew that this was part of my journey and I almost had to speak it to learn it.

I saw the way I had hurt people, ignored their feelings and bypassed their experience. 

I was not proud. 

And I knew this was a crucial moment of insight for me. 

It changed my life literally overnight. 

Instead of trying to fix the world and tell it how it should be…

I sunk into the deep womb belly of my own life. 

Intellectually, I had heard about radical acceptance, seeing the abundance all around you, and that all is connected as one. 

But I started to experience it. (I’m not virtue signalling here, you do you!).

I slowed right down in my thoughts. 

I noticed when I felt I should be somewhere else or like someone else.

I spent one whole Saturday afternoon in bed reading. 

Things started to come to me. More ideas, easier ways to live, opportunities.

And the biggest realization I marvelled at was .. what a work in progress I am!

I vow to make my writings as truthful, personal and with as much integrity as I can muster. 

Because I have realized that it is only when we embody ourselves that the whole world comes to you.

 

 

 

 

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