Author picture

Madeleine Eames

- Psychotherapist
- Mindfulness Teacher

What Happens When You Give up Blame?

 

Mad at your boss and you kick the dog? Upset at a friend and yell at your kids? Hurt by a boyfriend and drive too fast?

These are all examples of mis-directed anger and blame. Mindlessness vs. Mindfulness. I see it all over our world right now. The world needs peace right now more than ever. 

In the self-help research fields, we know that blaming and complaining causes stress. Yet there is a part of us that seems to hang on to it. if something unjust happens, there has to be someone to blame. We live in a society that looks for someone else to blame… another country, another person, the economy, the list goes on. True, there are real factors and real people out there that cause havoc and there is a reason we have a justice system in place. Crimes need to be accounted for and injustices need to be taken responsibility for. 

 

But what about the ill effects of blame? What about those little, day-to-day grievances that we get stuck on that only stir up resentment and grief. Do you go over hurtful experiences from the past? Go over what he-said, she-said? Is it helpful to stew in the blame?

This week I had a disappointment where something did not go as planned. I have been doing this long enough to know that sitting in blame is like being stuck in the mud getting nowhere. There is a process to this that moves experiences along quicker so they don’t stick like glue. All that glue gets heavy over the years! Here is what happens when you give up blame.

 

You notice your reaction. The impulse to finger-point. The confusion that leads to ranting. The focus on the instigator, the person causing you pain. “How could they?”

You notice your feelings. Feel them in your body. Notice the sensations. Describe them if it helps. Notice anger. I described mine to my husband as a changing combination of sadness, worry, confusion, and some fear. That’s what it felt like. See where they land.. stomach or chest? Don’t look for why. Stay here as long as necessary. Watch sensations change and get support if you need to.

You notice the story you are telling yourself. Recognize it as a story of thoughts. It might be true, or are you guessing? “They are so mean (or fill in the blank)”, “That’s crazy, ridiculous, insane”, “They must have…”.. “I’ll never…”, “He always…”. Please discern when you are exaggerating and be kind to yourself… notice what you are doing, even rant it a bit, then go to the emotional energy underneath it all that is waiting to be felt. 

Give it some time. A day. Two days. A good night’s sleep. A week. Really practice self-care. Go for a walk in nature. Eat and sleep well. Chat with a friend. See what changes. 

Try on their hat. After the dust has settled, go back to it and test. Is there any part of it you can understand from the other’s point of view? If not that’s ok. More importantly, can you see any part you played in it? Remember, I am not talking about crimes or abuse where there is clearly a victim and a perpetrator. But those past hurts, grievances and misunderstandings that add up over time, and there is nowhere else to go.

Take action if you now deem it necessary. Is there anything to do now? Perhaps there is a conversation, or a request for feedback that is needed. Let go of the outcome of it though.

 

This is the general process you will go through. At the end of it all I felt lighter, more forgiving, and had a greater understanding of many factors that are far out of my control (like most things, I guess). We cannot possibly know or predict how others will react, or why they behave the way they do sometimes. My wish for you is that you don’t spend unnecessary time in your life stuck in the spiral of blame looking for an outlet. 

 

To freedom,

Madeleine

 

4 thoughts on “What Happens When You Give up Blame?”

  1. Thank you Madeline ,a very relevant issue as almost daily we go through some of these emotions / reactions in some form or other ,- sometimes so subtle that we just miss it…!
    Bringing it to awareness will make us mindful of making a choice for our growth beyod the physical …🌷

    Reply
  2. Thankyou Madeleine such helpful information – now to put it more to practice – very true that we cannot predict how others will react – can’t hardly predict how we will react ourselves

    Reply
    • That’s true… our own reactions can be surprising. We can’t possibly mind-read or predict what others are thinking, we can only guess and unfortunately our guesses are often wrong. Approaching ourselves with curiosity rather than judgement is so helpful 🙂

      Reply

Leave a Comment

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Madeleine's Most Recent Posts

For When You Feel Stuck and Worried…. Again!

First of all, this is what I do when I feel stuck, or blocked. Yup, that’s about it. Ok, now let’s dive in….. Good morning everyone,  I am down in Vancouver on a road trip to see the World Cup Rugby Sevens. Yes, it seems unlikely for me, considering none

Read More »

Anger is Valuable, Hate is Hate: Know the Difference

Anytime you feel uneasy, you can’t breathe, you are tight and anxious, worried… breathe into your belly and get curious.. what emotion am I feeling?  This IS the healing. Lately, I have been working with many people around the energy of anger, usually either to safely feel and release suppressed,

Read More »

The Great Contraction

You might say… why am I talking about contraction when I teach all about expansion? The simple answer is: you can’t have one without the other, and both are equally important.  Like a jellyfish, you can’t know expansion without contraction. This is life itself, the pulsating throb of the heart

Read More »

The Dark Night of the Soul

When I awoke this morning the sun was streaming in my window at our small cabin. Outside, the leaves were gently falling from the giant chestnut tree, wave were lapping at the shore and I could see a slight breeze was blowing.  This time of year is magical for me.

Read More »

Subscribe For Peaceful Insights

Top Posts

Want To Know The Truth About Anxiety?

Madeleine’s Archived Posts