Madeleine Eames

- Psychotherapist
- Mindfulness Teacher

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How to be Your Own Best Therapist

I have seen so many amazing clients over the years, and even over the last few weeks, but I am very clear with myself: my goal is to work myself out of job. 

I want a world where emotions are normal and accepted, where we are kind to ourselves first, and we can see fearful thoughts for what they are: thoughts. 

People ask me everyday: What should I do about xxx? How can I change xxx?

I could give all kinds of to-do lists and task to check off to get temporary change but to be honest, it’s just busy work and a distraction at best at least initially. 

The thing is, we have set ourselves up with so many rules, laws and beliefs that we surely cannot trust ourselves to know what to do, let alone cope with a crying or angry inner child!

We also have a world that confirms this message in every way, that you don’t know your own self, and you need to improve upon whatever you find if you dare look inside. 

The truth is, we have these rules and laws, shoulds and shouldn’ts and “have-tos”, but let’s face it, it doesn’t work. We are criticizing and killing each other anyway!

Madeleine, are you saying you want a lawless anarchy? No, not at all. 

But how can we ever learn to trust ourselves when we are so busy layering on the  double icing of judgement of how we should or shouldn’t be, without looking at what we already are. 

No-one gets to point B without starting at point A. 

Nothing changes until we see what it actually is. 

When we are so busy trying to reach another state we are like walking fight-flight-freeze organisms at war with others and ourselves. 

So, let’s put down the arms. 

Let’s let go of the struggle and let our nervous systems rest and then trust yourself to know what is next. 

Give yourself permission. That’s it. That is what I do as a therapist and it is the only way truly forward without creating another stress pattern. Sometimes i’ts not the actually issue we think it is, it’s our reaction to it.

Can you let the pain be the pain without the bracing of muscle tension, shortness of breath, and fear around it?

The truth is, what we resist persists.  Does this mean we allow injustice?

No, it means the opposite. It means we allow ourselves to feel what we feel and from there, we will come to the next natural step that is WAY more effective.

  • If we don’t like or allow anger, expect to be raging inside.
  • If we resist rest, expect to be exhausted. 
  • If we hate certain people, expect them to occupy a mansion and drink cocktails in the real estate of your mind and heart. 
  • These things don’t go away, they just live and grow behind the barrier you have created in your own nervous system.

What we allow tends to lose it’s power over us. Don’t worry, when we let ourselves be lazy, we are not working so damn hard against it. Truth is, you will likely enjoy some relaxation and have SO much more energy!

We are SO primed to be against, but can you be for you? Can you be there for you, in whatever form your organism is showing up as right now? Or will you continue to beat it up, give it reprimands and criticize it into shape. It doesn’t work.

See what this feels like, it will tell you everything you need to know.

Ok let’s try this. Make up your own list, or say these out loud and notice the shift:

Permission to feel angry

Permission to grieve forever

Permission to take risks and fail (or permission to NOT take risks!)

Permission to feel hurt and abandoned

Permission to feel like a bad person

Permission to make mistakes (lots of them!)

Permission to be healthy

Permission to be sick

Permission to rest

Permission to work damn hard!

Permission to feel what you feel

Permission to NOT feel what you feel

Permission to be stuck

Permission to feel depressed

Permission to panic

Permission to say no

Permission to say yes when you mean no

Permission to feel scared

Permission to hide

Permission to speak out

Permission to disappoint other people

Permission to judge

Permission to not be healthy

Permission to want what you want

What is your permission slip for today? 

Can you feel the expansion when you don’t have to hate yourself for it anymore? 

Can you feel the letting go of any pressure to be anything other than you are, right now, in this moment? This is a nervous system shift from bracing to embracing.

Ahhh. Now things can move. 

And, permission for them not to. 

I can hear you, “But Madeleine, things will go to hell in a handbasket!”

Really? How are things going so far?

Trust yourself. You know what to do. Give yourself permission. 

On that note, I am giving an online workshop October 8th for ways to react and respond to one of our most misunderstood emotions:anger. 

Click on it to check it out below. Permission to attend, permission to not attend. 

Anger is Not the Problem: October 8th, 12-2pm 

Does this resonate with you? 

Leave a comment below and let me know what you are giving yourself permission for today,

Warmly,

Madeleine

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