Most of the women I work with who are stuck in people-pleasing mode, have difficulty expressing, or even locating the emotion of anger.
There is a link. A very important one.
Seeing as anger is a life-force energy designed to protect and alert the system that something is wrong, not being able to access or harness it means being prey.
In fact, we are the only species I know of that grooms a certain portion of the population to be prey. Most mammals train their offspring to protect themselves.
This conditioning begins very, very young with the first explorations of a baby or toddlers fists. Girls learn that anger is not acceptable, boys learn it’s good to be tough.
So we cover up the rage by activating our ventral vagal system… a smile that placates the threat.
And a pattern is born.
There has been a rise in “Rage Rooms” where people go and smash and break things wearing protection and basically smash their rage out.
It’s a great business model. Why?
Those people will be repeat customers. They are igniting and activating the neural pathways of rage which means…more rage!
An angry man is never cured by kicking a dog.
Notice your own anger pattern:
Do you find yourself increasingly irritated, annoyed or unsettled?
Maybe you’ve had an explosion or two, followed by guilt and shame?
Or maybe you are a person that just doesn’t get angry.
First off, anger is THE most judged emotion that we have. It is feared, shamed, quickly covered up in a seething smile, or explodes in violence.
All of these are bypasses. The greatest gaslighting of the spiritual community comes in the form of “you should be grateful” when you are really, really furious.
We have gone through lifetimes now of rage, war, violence against others and the planet and ourselves. We have also survived seething resentment turned inwards, high blood pressure and all forms of chronic illness from holding this powerful electrical current within our bodies.
None of that has worked, nor will it ever.
I will be the first to take deep breaths, do yoga and calm myself down in a world that was not meant for sensitive people.
But in the era of calm down, meditate and breathe… what about the anger that stews inside waiting for an outlet?
Or the rage that covers up decades of sadness, grief or heartbreak?
How about the unmet needs that fester for attachment, for support, to be seen and heard, for clean water and a healthy planet?
They wallow away under the paper thin veneer of good girl conditioning and men’s anger is dangerous, occasionally breaking through in road rage, private addictions, domestic violence or toxic passive aggressive words.
More often, it turns inwards to chronic illness, depression and anxiety.
Ok, those times are done. Anger can destroy us or it can heal us.
The difference lies in your body.
The ability to see how anger shows up and how quickly it becomes a tense jaw, a shortness of breath, tight shoulders, and nausea.
And to listen to the intelligence of this electrical current before it reaches the periphery in a punch, yelling, a rant on facebook, yelling at your spouse or kicking the dog.
In the pause, in the in between we have a chance to access the wisdom of this protective life force energy.
To listen to the rage and genuinely be interested.
To talk it out, write it out, but mostly slow down and see what actions you can safely do to feel it and complete it.
It might mean mightily pushing against a wall, intentionally squeezing a pillow, perhaps along with grunts, roars or a scream.
No, not ladylike at all.
But we were never meant to be ladylike. We were designed to be able to notice whether we feel sexy, sensual, sad, angry, tired, delighted, and choose from there.
Rage is rising on the planet along with the temperature.
With healthy management we can allow it to birth a new world. Or it will destroy us.
Which one will it be for you?
I have found working through anger in myself and with clients to lead us always to real self-love and compassion. It is a beautiful process and the way out is through.
If you are ready to reconnect with your vital life force energy, join me in a Sacred Rage Salon.
We will safely create awareness and move through the anger response so you can activate your life with aliveness and stop wasting energy on containing a boiling kettle of anger.
Or work with me individually in Sacred Rage sessions.
Stay tuned for my next course on The Wisdom of Your Anger in October.
Until then, may you find ways to care for your own anger,