Madeleine Eames

- Psychotherapist
- Mindfulness Teacher

Share on facebook
Share on twitter
Share on email
Share on linkedin

We are all the same…

“We are like islands in the sea, separate on the surface but connected in the deep.”
― William James

 

What? You might be thinking… I am unique and special, or.. I’m not as good as others or there’s no way I’m like THEM.

 

I am writing today because it is becoming more clear to me all the time just how much we are alike. Of course we have our unique quirks and strengths and bodies and desires, but let’s look under that. As I prepare to travel and meet other people I am always struck by how we are all dealing with similar internal issues and feelings. We all want to feel better and be happy, even if we seem to sometimes go about it in unhealthy ways.. ie. no one does drugs because they want to feel worse. At the core of our human existence, we are more the same than different. OK, now how is this helpful?

 

When we drum up a case about Them, it’s often negative and puts you in the victim role. Your nervous system reacts and starts the stress response including muscle tension, stress chemicals and general negativity. When we can see that parts of Them are like parts of Us, the scope widens and we can relax and see it in a bigger view. It does not mean you have to accept what you do not like or want, just understanding it can bring about marvelous change and creative solutions.

 

I was in a workshop a few years ago with John Bradshaw, author of many self-help books and some of the first books written on shame. He did the following exercise: Write down 3 people in your life that irritate you the most. Now write down what it is about them that irritates you: what quality, behaviour or trait bugs you? With mindfulness we can start to bring our unconscious patterns to the surface.

 

Usually we find that the 3 qualities or traits are similar or the same. Now, for the interesting part… how do you feel about that quality in yourself?

Chances are, it is a part of yourself you’re not on good terms with. Let me explain. We learn at a very young age what parts of us are acceptable, and what parts aren’t (yes- we are doing this to our own kids). The parts that aren’t acceptable get locked away and become ‘exiled’, but they still exist. Now when we are confronted with someone who mirrors those parts… it’s really uncomfortable!! Ask yourself.. what is it that I can’t accept about this person and why? Sometimes you can uncover a BIG FAT CORE BELIEF such as “he’s lazy… Laziness is bad” or “She’s a show-off, I was taught never to show off“, “He’s so self-centred. You must be humble” or “She’s greedy. One must have self-control“.

 

The things about beliefs (remember beliefs are just thoughts you keep thinking) is that they are like moldy sandwiches. When you find them…..ewww, they’re messy… but now you have the wonderful chance to clean them up.

Try it: Do the exercise above and see what comes up. By the way… we are often attracted to partners that hold our dormant traits… and then those traits become the irritants until we see we have them ourselves. Shine the light on yourself and experience a new freedom by not being trapped by unconscious beliefs. This is not to say you must go out and be lazy, show off and talk about yourself til you’re the last one awake! But maybe, just maybe, you could try a lazy day, promote yourself, or contribute more about yourself to a conversation. Once you can see and touch your core beliefs, you can laugh and say “Oh- you again”. Poof. No more power.  More alike than different.

 

“When you tug on a single thing in nature, you find it attached to the rest of the world”
John Muir

 

 

Madeleine's Most Recent Posts

A New Kind of Anger

Most of the women I work with who are stuck in people-pleasing mode, have difficulty expressing, or even locating the emotion of anger.  There is a link. A very important one.  Seeing as anger is a life-force energy designed to protect and alert the system that something is wrong, not

Read More »

How Do You Age Gracefully When You’re So Angry?

You don’t, is the short answer.  First of all, the phrase “aging gracefully” just pisses me off. Why? Because it sends a message that women are supposed to age in smooth, flowing, ballet dancer style.  Not the stop-and-start, messy, sometimes scary and angry and often hilarious way we live.  Oh

Read More »

My Experiment in Timelessness

This summer I had the opportunity to spend 4 days at my cabin alone.  What I thought would be a time of rest and relaxation, perhaps invite some company, do some work, turned into a whole lot more. And a whole lot less. I noticed when this time arrived I

Read More »

The Beauty and Danger of Labels

Where are you free of labels? In a crowd or by yourself in nature? “To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.”   Ralph Waldo Emerson I have to agree with Ralph. This is the work of a lifetime. To find out who you truly are rather than what you have been told.  I went for a run

Read More »

Subscribe For Peaceful Insights

Top Posts

Want To Know The Truth About Anxiety?

Madeleine’s Archived Posts