Madeleine Eames

- Psychotherapist
- Mindfulness Teacher

Share on facebook
Share on twitter
Share on email
Share on linkedin

What does it REALLY mean to forgive?

“Forgiveness means giving up all hope of a better past”

Not sure who wrote that…

 

….but whoever wrote it was spot on. If you have been living life as the full contact sport that it is, there’s no doubt you have been slighted or hurt or shamed and you might find yourself still carrying that person or incident on your shoulder like a weight… or a trophy.  There might be a few contenders for top spot on your trophy shelf depending if it was a push out of the way to get the ball or a full-on tackle to the ground, the only question to ask is…. “How do I feel about this now?”.

 

Do you go to re-hashing the details about why they shouldn’t have done what they did, how it affected you life… or even some deeper emotional pain rises? Chances are you’re still carrying the poison of resentment.

 

I get asked a lot about forgiveness and the question “Should I forgive him/her?”. The misunderstanding is that to forgive does not mean you are saying the behaviour was OK. It clearly wasn’t. But it happened.

 

We can’t erase the past. It already happened. Don’t waste one more second of your present life wishing it were different… to argue with the past is complete insanity.

 

The second misunderstanding is that somehow you have to become friends with the foe again, maybe even invite them for a coffee to discuss things. Wrong. It might be that you do end up reconciling, but forgiveness does not demand it.

 

All forgiveness really means is that you have fully expressed, felt, screamed, shouted, cried your feelings out about it and now it is time to reclaim your energy and your present life. All it means is making a choice for your own health. Winston Churchill once said “If you’re going through hell, keep going”… so don’t stop, don’t accept resentment or negativity as a way of being… get the hell out! I’m not saying this is easy stuff and everyone will do it differently, but it is a process and only you can know when it is settled for you.

 

When we can fully understand that what other people do or say is a reflection of them, and not a reflection of us, there can be peace. People do things because of their own deep hurts, histories, personalities, upbringing, needs. How could you possibly have any control over all of that mix??  It may have been hurtful or deceitful, but it was their actions. If you have done something you’re not proud of then take responsibility for your part. Own it.

 

It helps to understand that we are all human beings making mistakes, hurting each other at times, some more than others. There have been many great wounds inflicted on people. Our only responsibility is to do what feels right for us now.  Sometimes understanding that is enough.  You may need to do more like get support, talk it out, or write a note to the offender and burn it. DO NOT WAIT for the other person to change or apologize if they haven’t already. Try not to dwell on it mentally. Feed yourself with good loving people and healthy relationships. Don’t forget that having compassion for yourself or for others releases oxytocin, a natural chemical that makes you feel good.

Go ahead… your life is waiting for you.

What do you think? Now you can like/comment on Facebook at the Mindful Living Now site….

 

“Always forgive your enemies, nothing annoys them so much” Oscar Wilde

 

But seriously……

 

“Holding on to anger, resentment, and hurt only gives you tense muscles, a headache and a sore jaw from clenching your teeth. Forgiveness gives you back the laughter and the lightness in your life”

 

Joan Lunden

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Madeleine's Most Recent Posts

The Dark Night of the Soul

When I awoke this morning the sun was streaming in my window at our small cabin. Outside, the leaves were gently falling from the giant chestnut tree, wave were lapping at the shore and I could see a slight breeze was blowing.  This time of year is magical for me.

Read More »

Moving Through the Stuck Places

You were never meant to get it right. Like there is a right to get. You are created to be here, to live and breathe here, to love and be loved, to suffer and experience joy. And to let go of all you have learned that you should be. What

Read More »

A New Kind of Anger

Most of the women I work with who are stuck in people-pleasing mode, have difficulty expressing, or even locating the emotion of anger.  There is a link. A very important one.  Seeing as anger is a life-force energy designed to protect and alert the system that something is wrong, not

Read More »

How Do You Age Gracefully When You’re So Angry?

You don’t, is the short answer.  First of all, the phrase “aging gracefully” just pisses me off. Why? Because it sends a message that women are supposed to age in smooth, flowing, ballet dancer style.  Not the stop-and-start, messy, sometimes scary and angry and often hilarious way we live.  Oh

Read More »

Subscribe For Peaceful Insights

Top Posts

Want To Know The Truth About Anxiety?

Madeleine’s Archived Posts